I am afraid of loving someone this much

Romantic love, unconditional parenting love, sisterly love... Isn't it something that we've been listening, reading and thinking about since forever? At least I have, and maybe it's because I'm a girl. But my interest in love relationships grew more profound: I'm searching to learn about and understand every possible way beings might love each other, being them lovers or family, or whatever else. Movies opened up great new perspectives. The more of them I saw and as diverse as they got, the more I realized that movies find inspiration in real life - not that trying to live "like in the movies" is a wrong thing to do. 

There has also been this long theorizing about what is to be in love, and what to really love someone... When you're in love, you wear pink glasses and when you really love, it will last forever - ever heard anything like that? As if forever existed. As if the butterflies in your belly are not the most exciting thing one can ever feel.

    

The main reason why I am so driven to the gay world is that, out there, there are no boundaries. Open-mindedly it is understood that love is a universal feeling one doesn't, shouldn't and needn't try to control nor label.

But, when I'm trying to understand my actual interpersonal experience of love itself, all the divisions from above come to a level of hard-to-comprehend words. Because when I felt love, it was little important that the person that I loved was my "sister", or my "friend", or my "boyfriend". (Your sister is your mothers daughter, but what if there's someone who understands you as if you were of the same mother? Is your boyfriend not your friend, too?)... 
All I know is that my life is a set of moments, and so far I have experienced those in which I felt like I loved someone. In these moments, because of the person that I loved, my life was so much more worthwhile. I was happy. I felt like I know where I'm going and that there I'm not going alone. Not this time. Not anymore.

How I feel about my daughter is unlike any love I've ever experienced. I'm so intensely happy. Her presence makes me fulfilled and I have a need to be next to her so much that I am afraid... what would be left of me if one day she'll need to be away?

I've only had her for two months. Restlessness, but I mean literally not being able to allow yourself to go to unconsciousness of sleep because of the constant need to take care that all with her is well. The feeling of total impotency when there's something going on with her and there's nothing you can do about it. Profound, overwhelming worry you can't just simply let go of, even if they tell you there's really no need for it, after which I understood my parents and all other parents out there at once... I did feel all of that.

Having her little self in my arms and looking at her beautiful little face in disbelief of a miracle that life is, I feel that too. And it's disarming.

Feeding her, taking care of her entire baby-life is like doing the most meaningful thing life has ever put ahead of me. Having a child of my own is the most beautiful something that had ever happened to me. Because I look at her, and I miss her when she was even smaller. And at the same time, I can't wait for the moments to come: to see her hair grow longer, and her teeth to show up. The day I'll see her running around the beach in her little colorful bikini, playing in the sand and jumping with the waves. I'm imagining her talking, not to mention reasoning, and I can't wait to hear all the brilliant ideas that will come from that little mind of hers. I am so looking forward to learning everything she came to this world to teach me. 

And I realize it's a lifetime relationship, unlike any other. Maybe forever does exist. A connection that will never go away. It will only grow deeper, stronger, fonder and take direction I probably couldn't even imagine, and no movie has pictured yet.

 

One day old baby Malina and one day old mama Višnja

Why all moms are warriors

I guess that no matter how or how much you prepare, expecting a day you will give birth is scary. Scaaaary, every time, for every woman, because you never know what to expect because you never know how it will go.

But a few days before, you find yourself in awakened readiness, the kind any man feels right after jumping off that cliff. You know something scary is waiting for you, yet you know there's no turning back and there's no escape, and you just collect all the guts you've got, and you go for it! And that's why every mother is a hero. A warrior. A lioness.

The day that Višnja asked the stranger on the street for some change

Today I had this awesome day of driving around Miami, cruising new neighborhoods and discovering cool locations. It was very enjoyable... until, at one point, I found myself in front of a parking ticket automate. My ticket is $1.75. The automate doesn't give the change back, and I only have a one and a twenty dollar bill. 

Trying to figure out what to do while getting a bit upset for having to face such an unnecessary complication at such a joyful day, I hear this person behind me telling to this other person behind me, who he is with, something like: "...yeah... let me just pay the parking first!".

Thinking how it's in the best interest of both of us that I get this over with as soon as possible, the first and only thing that came to my mind was to ask him if he could break the bill of 20 for me.


And so I literally turn to the guy and say: "Hey! Do you have some change?"
And so it happened. The day that Višnja asked the stranger on the street for some change!
Wroooong question! 

Wrong person! 
"No, I don't have cash. I only have card." - the hipster behind me replied (#nojudgin! You can easily tell a hipster when you see one!), with this hipster look on his face (we all know this "that-is-sooooo-2014!!" look). Of course he had no cash!

It did make me realize, though, that I too, stupid, have the invention of the newest centuries. So, I finished the transaction trying to act cool and ran my blushing cheeks down the street as fast as my rounded, 200-pounds-body, allowed me.